Author: xlatias

acoolguy:

targuzzler:

i give the bouncer my special id which only says “i make jokes on the internet” and he picks me up by my feet and swings me into speeding traffic

i walk up to the same bouncer and show him my special id which says “minecraft youtuber” and he dips me low and kisses me so sweetly

thymelord:

me: immune system why do i have a fever

immune system: well the bacteria can’t survive outside 37 degrees for long so i thought i’d raise the temperature to kill them off!

me: 

immune system:

me: 

immune system:

me: we also can’t survive outside 37 degrees for long

immune system:

John Mulaney quotes I identify with

jeffersonxjinkx:

on a deep, spiritual, personal level:

  • “I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot.”
  • “I have a girlfriend now myself, which is weird because I’m probably gay based on the way I act and behave.”
  • “I could never dress goth, and don’t get me wrong. I’m unhappy, it’s not that.”
  • “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them. And so much fun not to do them! Especially when you were supposed to do them.”
  • “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”
  • “I was raised Catholic. I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me.”
  • “I thought I was gonna be murdered my entire childhood!”
  • “What is college?” *incoherent babbling*
  • “I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like [groans]. You know, life?”
  • “When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much.”

turing-tested:

turing-tested:

turing-tested:

rests easy at night knowing that when my legal name is dirk strider prospective employers will never be able to find my blog or social media

rests. a little less easier knowing that when my legal name is dirk strider prospective employers will find pages and pages of a horrible gremlin man that horny people have drawn sexy pictures of for years

sits up in bed with my head in my hands as i realize that prospective employers will search my name and find this first and foremost before literally anything else: