My favorite is people who send me unsolicited dick pics and then they’re like, “uh, hi? Are you ignoring me?”
It’s just so funny to me. Like one minute I’m designing bioreactors and getting published for heat dissipation in polymers and then I open this godforsaken app to dudes hanging brain who can’t even pronounce “saponification” calling me a slut because I won’t give attention to their limp excuses for existence.
3 billion years of evolution and the greatest form of communication you can conjure up in your fermented omelet of a conscience is submitting your wrinkly ball sac to a stranger on the Internet to substitute the attention your parents never gave their mistake of an offspring.
there’s always that jerk named kevin that shows up in cartoons
it’s a bitch name
anyone remember the kevin story
What is the Kevin story?
someone once made a legendary post on reddit, asking who is the dumbest person youve ever met. Kevin wasn’t special needs or anything, but he sure was one interesting character. the gist of it can be found in these bullet points:
“
It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn’t been wiped off
the face of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based
on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his
family every time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic
pinnacle of this null achievement….So here’s a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he’s laughing uncontrollably:”
Kevin
ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next
day. This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons.
Kevin’s
dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me…his English teacher.
This was a public school. When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give
to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school,
Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 711 after school.
Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire….twice
Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn’t him.
Kevin
stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it
was ringing. (Not that it wasn’t his, not that he did it…..no, he
denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times
before the end of the year.
Kevin
called the basketball coach a “Motherfucking Bitch” during gym.
Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn’t go
well.
Kevin’s
mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several
meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went
to)
Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game
Kevin
kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He
thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and
threw up.
Kevin said the N-word a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was 84% black. Kevin got beat up a lot.
Kevin stole another student’s Iphone….and tried to sell it back to them.
Kevin
didn’t understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes,
homework, classwork, and participation. Kevin finished his first
semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with $11.
Kevin spit on a girl and said “You should get out of those wet clothes”. The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.
Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library…..at the circulation desk….while he was logged on.
Kevin
asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade and freshmen don’t go to
prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address
Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly.
Kevin
regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over,
grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing it name
on it wherever there was room.
Kevin
had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember
what they were. They were very concerned that “the holiday party” would have peanuts. When they finally
got a doctor’s note….he was allergic to amoxicillin
Kevin
and his parents took a trip to Nassau and forgot all their luggage at home. I didn’t believe
him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me 1st thing
when I saw her at the bi-weekly meeting.
Kevin’s grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.
the “I cry at tv-shows and movies because I refuse to cry about my own life because I’m too stubborn so I subconsciously project myself into the stories and characters to give myself a reason to cry” squad
The exact type of plane that he took on a final joyride a year later.
We can assume that this was his favourite plane and that, while on his job, after the pilots parked it and went for a coffee break, he was alone with it in the hanger when inspiration struck. He climbed into the vehicle that tugs jets around the tarmac and turned the Alaska Air Q-400 back around. At this point he climbed on board, flipped the starter switches and made for the runway.
In that hanger, he was captivated with sublime inspiration to just seize the moment and take to the air with it, to perform aerial maneuvres that left seasoned pilots baffled that the aircraft, let alone an untested pilot could handle. And even that, was framed with meme magic given the timestamp of his conversation with air control:
After accomplishing his barrel roll, he was stunned to have even completed it. in that moment he accomplished his dream, the climax of his passion in this favourite aircraft of his. Soon after, entering the denouement of his flight, and life. His final moments likely reflecting on what he had just done. It must’ve been enormously, sentimentally significant.
Having an unnecessary amount of jackets (leather, denim, hoodies) is bi culture
• never being able to make a choice and panicking as you run out of time • Queen music • never dressing for the weather (tanks and shorts in winter, pants and jacket in summer) • switching between high levels of stress and not giving a shit about anything • 80s Movies • having a really vague yet specific music taste • oxymorons describe your personality
thinking about when my brother got chatbanned from overwatch and the email they sent him after he tried to appeal it said “we dont normally bring up the incriminating messages, but in this case we feel its necessary to show you what got you banned” and it was all shit like “ i will kidnap you in the desert and make you forget how to eat”
I had the WORST fucking nightmare last night that I took a Lyft up a mountain pass in a super dangerous road and my driver was like this super fly 80 year old lady who didn’t give a single fuck and drove recklessly, and I was SCREAMING the entire time that we were gonna die, and at one point she drove off the road straight off a cliff and I thought “THIS IS IT, THIS IS HOW I GO” but she pressed a button and her car fucking TURNED INTO AN AIRPLANE and she was like: “BET YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DIE! NOT TODAY BITCH, NOT TODAY!”
honestly? im done with the lies. being little spoon fuckign sucks okay? it really does. its hot and sweaty and cramped and you better believe that arm wrapped around you is gunna go from “acceptable foreign weight” to “there is a literal blue whale colony collapsed atop you” in about 2 minutes flat. yall forreal want a FLESH BLANKET encasing you??? a goddamn slab prison of human skin and Person Tissue draped across your corporeal form??? find a God and grovel for redemption.
being big spoon though? divine. precious. it grants the sensation of being a benevolent egg white, swaddled loosely within your blanket shell as you in turn cradle the precious yolk within your grasp. you are a sublime deity of warmth and comfort, one who may bestow your blessing on any mortal you deem fit. an unparalleled joy to perform.
and you can grab a tit ty
can yall please stop reblogging this post i made after eating three entire packages of marshmallow peeps washed down with a near-deadly amount of nyquil
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